How is Starmer still alive?

Good question easily answered. Let’s just take it for read that Keir has demonstrated clearly to all that he is incompetent, agenda-less, buffeted by events, the definition of ‘in office but not in power’. Even his ‘toolmaker’ dad – did you know his dad was a toolmaker? – would probably be saying to him: ‘son, step down, it’s becoming embarrassing’. So how is he still clinging on? Simples. For two reasons:

• First, a couple of weeks ago Labour MPs stared over the precipice and realised: I’m probably going to lose my seat at the next election, and if we do anything too crazy, I might lose it sooner than that. So Labour MPs blinked

• Second, none of the contenders want to own the catastrophic Gorton or 7 May local election losses. They’re on Keir. So bide one’s time and strike once he’s taken the pain

But, but, but…there’s another problem. None of the contenders look very certain to win. Here’s why:

Andy Burnham – Obvs. Not in the game. As Starmer blocked him from trying to win the Gorton by-election, Labour’s only real hope and a thin one at that.

Shabana Mahmood – In Labour terms so far to the Right she is probably unelectable for both the party membership and the unions, two of the three crucial bloc votes which decide the Labour leadership, the third being Labour MPs and peers.

Wes ‘let me through I’m a future PM’ Streeting – No one likes someone who is nakedly too keen, and no one likes a plotter. Now probably irreparably tarnished by his historically close relationship with Lord Voldemort (aka Peter Mandelson), and probably also too Right for the membership and unions anyway.

Lucy Powell – Not even Lucy’s mum thinks she has a chance of winning any elections although her ego has not yet caught up. But then she is a politician, so her ego is inevitably adrift from reality.

Angela Rayner – Although unbelievable for most sentient earth beings, Big Ange is actually a serious candidate. But could Labour possibly elect someone under live investigation for tax fraud? She is desperately praying that HMRC and Knacker of the Yard cease their enquiries prior to 7 May, so she could have a run at it, but that does seem like a stretch.

And this is why dear reader, we have MP newbies like Al Cairns – yes, who is he, we’re with you – constantly promoting their chances. It may well be that if all the above fail, a compromise, ‘steady the ship’, caretaker leader is needed. John Healey, anyone?